The Un-Learning Planner: what I created and why

They say necessity is the mother of invention. I experienced that firsthand Fall 2021. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of my own shit so I did what any self-respecting Virgo Placement would do: I made a tracker.

To be exact, this was more than a tracker. I started on this tool in 2020 while recovering from burnout, but a year later I was living through another round of debilitating anxiety and depression due to residual lessons in a lack of boundaries. This time the stakes were higher. A panic attack scared me into the consideration of antidepressants, which felt like a new low for me. And it was. Four weeks into my trial, I slumped out of bed just enough to reach over to grab the pill bottle and it was like the nightmare version of deja vu. I knew this was not me and I needed to try something else. 

I went back to taking adaptogens consistently, working out before work and reaching for my best feeling when my mood felt low. Within a few weeks, I’d made some progress but knew I needed more.

I could not leave my progress in the hands of my mood anymore, so I dusted off what 2020 me had made, and bottled what motivated and encouraged me would do into a physical planner I could commit to journaling in daily. Dreams. Mood. Habits. Intentions. This tool provided me with much needed structure at a time where I felt pretty lost, uncertain and not confident.

All I had to do was check-in with how the day went at the end of each night and that would trickle down to rekindling my commitment to what a good day looked like for me. I’d color in the completion of the habits I  had set at the beginning of the journal connected to my well-being. Had I moved my body? Had I taken my supplements? How much water or sunlight had I had that day?

It worked because it was ridiculously simple: I made it easy to be accountable to myself in the moments between my sessions with my therapist. This made it possible for me to have a positive report when we met weekly, because I was able to keep all the things we discussed as my homework at the top of my mind for the 6 days in between. And observe if they actually helped me. Even develop my own insights around what I might need, and test them out. Four years and many refinements later, it’s still serving me

I remember the moment my therapist told me she didn’t think we needed to chat weekly anymore. I was surprised, delighted, and proud all in one. It had been 16 weeks since our first call and 10 weeks into my planner habit. That first call was heartbreaking to reflect on- I was crippled with anxiety and depression - desperate for answers. 

Alice Walker said something that stuck with me. She said one of the things she was most proud of was her ability to remain present with herself throughout her life. This is one of the simple things that makes up a willful protagonist. The type we root for because against all the odds, and even in the low of lows, we witness them never stop rooting for themselves.

That is what The Art of Un-Learning Planner allowed me to do: remain present with myself amidst the highs and the lows. We don’t have to have all the answers immediately, we just need to trust they will come if we don’t give up.