I married myself

On a brisk fall day in October 2019 a panelist changed my life.

I'd lived in Philly for over a year and found it such a scrappy, soulful city, ever-producing new things to try for those with creative passions.  

Fearlesscon brought women soloproenurs together for fellowship, skill-building, resource-sharing and lovely bouts of honoring ourselves. I loved how diverse the speaker's selection was: always a mix of artists and entrepreneurs from multiple disciplines. and always women of color. 

The first year I attended, the polaroid self-portrait wall’s theme was to write one fear we were releasing. The second was a goodbye + good riddance message to 45. 

The question posed to this panel of wellness-focused entrepreneurs was “How do you prioritize yourself amidst all the various hats you wear as artists, entrepreneurs, mothers, etc?” The cannabis entrepreneur's response shocked us all, I think. 

“I married myself” 

The lighthearted chuckles that diffused the room were polite but eventually overtaken by a heavy pregnant pause as she explained: she’d discovered her boyfriend was about to propose and understood the expected shift in dynamic and burden that particular life change might cause. So she bought a ring, held a ceremony and beat him to the punch.

We were all in awe of her foresight but I was deeply inspired. I began my preparations and married myself a few weeks later that winter break. 

Her insight was simple yet profound: no structure would sustain itself on a shoddy foundation. A commitment to bring whole parts to a union to give its structure the best chance at thriving was a wise first step. 

I committed the same for myself. I was just shy of two years into my thirties at the time of my self-marriage. and somehow on the eve of my thirties, I just understood this decade to be a creative one. Children, marriages, businesses, artistic endeavors- I was open to and saw myself proliferating in many ways over the course of my fourth decade of life. 

My ceremony was a private but meaningful one. Much like me.  I wrote vows to myself. I purchased a ring that felt unique and symbolic to me. And held an intimate ceremony for one at one of my favorite time-spaces: sunrise at the beach.

There was no dress. I took zero pictures. I did not even keep score of the date. My intention was less on the convention of commemorating and more focused on this solemn vow of devotion to myself I was making.

I had no clue that the years that followed would really test the commitment I had made. At times, I wondered if I had cast one big spell on myself in 2018 when I got my first and only tattoo on my 30th bday. Because everything that ensued seemed eerily connected. And there I was, suddenly waist-deep in a healing journey that felt more and more like a Star Wars saga each year it continued unfolding. I had definitely failed to examine my assumption that the foundation of my creative decade was already whole and non-shoddy. For the next few years, I had a lot of foundational work to do. But in year five,  I could finally start to see the fruits of all my hard and seemingly never-ending labor. So, I commemorated it with a vow renewal ceremony. More to come on that later.

Today, I actually could not be any more grateful for my very long and winding alchemical adventure. I was learning to take the clumps of lead in my life and turn them into beautiful golden treasures, measured in joy, intimacy and authenticity with myself. And therefore, with others. 

Looking back, I can see the saga for what it was: the first of many milestones on the journey of creating my first and most worthwhile masterpiece: the version of myself I respect, honor, protect and cherish the most. 

I feel very grateful to have taken what has felt like the wildest of all detours because I can very clearly see how the things I would have built with the old version of me as its leader would not have yielded what I had hoped. I had to become what I was seeking on all fronts before I could create it.

Your eyes are currently beholding one of the many fruits of this journey as I embark on the rest of my creative decade, more deliberate and less inhibited than ever before.

Here's to all the other beautiful things that await me in this sixth year of blissful self-marriage and beyond.